The Worst Rumor
Before we begin, you should know that our editor LOVES this place Felipe’s Tacos like you wouldn’t believe, and he relayed some news that seems to be truly freaking folks out: There’s a rumor circulating online that Felipe’s Tacos owner Felipe Martinez might be gearing up to retire after nearly 30 years because the pandemic is a bunch of bullshit and nothing feels good anymore. And while we’re not writhing on the ground crying like our editor was earlier (the words he used were “fucking inconsolable”), we’d certainly miss the tasty vegetarian options at the venerable Midtown institution which, by the way, has one of the cleanest kitchens we’ve ever seen. According to said editor, he spoke with Martinez, and there’s nothing concrete to report yet, but if you’re looking to get yourself some Felipe’s, we wouldn’t tarry.
If you’d like to learn a little more, pop by this link to see when our editor talked to Martinez a couple years back. It’s a quick and pretty interesting read.
Anyway, here’s some 100% completely factual and in no way tongue-in-cheek history about that awful Christmas brick itself, the fruit cake.
Did you know fruit cake experts believe the origins of the thing go back to ancient Rome? Apparently the early version (dubbed satura) was kind of like a Power Bar? The idea was that you could swallow that dense mound of denseness and be energized for the rest of your effing life.
Later, as dried fruits became available more places around the globe because ships got faster or something, different forms started to pop up. In the time of England’s Shakespeare, for example (which would be late-1500-something to some-point-in-1600-something), the Brits created a version called plum porridge. This one was more liquid and could contain meat and fruits that weren’t just plummy in origin.
Oh, but it didn’t end there. Not by a longshot. Once those awful colonists started popping over the pond to America, it was really tiring work enslaving and murdering so many people, so they brought plum porridge with them, continued refining it (by which we mean tossing in whatever was available) and, by the late-1800s, it had become that weird thing we know and—well, if not love, then tolerate.
It was the colonists who made the whole fruit cake thing a Christmas tradition. They’d decorate tins and gift it to people who were like “Oh, sweet! Is this three kinds of popcorn in one convenient tin?” But then, when they’d open it, it would be a damn fruit cake and they’d have to smile through their teeth and be all like, “We don’t hate this at all. Thank you, fellow oppressor!” And that’s why your grandma gives them to you to this day, even when you beg her not to do so anymore.
According to the folks at the Smithsonian Magazine, the reason we think we hate fruit cakes has to do with the rise of mass-produced food items in the early 20th century. Apparently, when fruit cakes wound up being mass produced and sold, they were so gross by the time you got them that we tend to think of them that way. The rumor persists! “It’s not as bad as you think or at all,” grandma yells by phone. Does a little bit of you wonder if you’ve sided with the colonists? Maybe. Maybe so.
The Swiss Colony, being the largest hand-decorating baker in the country (whatever that means) doles out the most fruit cakes of anyplace, which ammounts to more than 66,000 a year. Is it in Wisconsin, exactly where you’d think it would be? Yup.
This has been your guided foray into the wonderful world of fruit cakes.
We’re having deja vu over here, but whatever.
Also
-Our buds at Source NM report that this year’s red chile harvest could be affected by political strife, namely that a $5 million program meant to hire seasonal laborers implemented by Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham last August has been halted by the state Supreme Court. Seems legislators weren’t so down with Lujan Grisham’s use of the American Rescue Plan Act bucks. Learn more here.
-On Monday, the New Mexico Film Office announced a new new competitive baking TV show is in production here in the state. Easy-Bake Battle comes to us from some of the folks behind Top Chef and employs 45 New Mexico crew members. Don’t be mad, but the search for contestants is already over and we can’t seem to figure out how the Easy-Bake Oven toy factors in, but you just know it does.
-Been by Tune-Up Café lately? It’s so much bigger in there! Plus there’s pizza now! Oh, and new specials all the time. As we write this, we’re not sure if there’s tres leches cake currently on the menu, but if you ever see that they have it, get it.
-We’re happy to say we’ve sampled Bo’s Authentic Thai, and we’re in love. We’d love to go further into detail, but another writer here is tackling a full-on review. So, for now, just know that the rumors are true and that food is really something special. Considering the truck only opened about a month and change ago, that’s rad as hell.
Think this is the theme song for that new show?
More Tidbits
-A British chef is in hot water after he served up a shpeherd’s pie that basically poisoned a bunch of people, killing one, in Northamptonshire (the most British sounding town of all time). Word is that cook John Croucher felt rushed and contravened food prep safety laws in order to feed a group of more than 30 in a timely fashion. Of those, numerous got sick and one otherwise healthy person succumbed to a gastrointestinal hemorrhage.
-Want to make the kind of charcuterie board that’ll make other hipsters revel in the most adult Lunchables thing ever? HuffPost’s food section has tips. We jest, and we’re always down to eat a bunch of kinds of crackers with cheeses and stuff.
-Meanwhile, over on Eater-dot-com, writer Jordan Michelman has a list of sparkling wines perfect for ye olde holiday season. If you want fizzy wines, this is the piece for you.
-Lastly, in links from food sites that do it a lot better than us, Thrillist-dot-com has a whole messload of recipes from around the world that you can use to be smug at holiday potlucks and such. We love the idea of sticking it to people—especially Beckie.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In this week’s print edition of SFR, our editor continues his quest to eat soooooo maaaaaany brekkie b’s.
Number of Letters Received
20
*What the hell, you guys?
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“Thanks.”
*We could’ve used context, but you’re welcome!
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
“Get a candy thermometer.”
*This is seriously such good advice for a lot of reasons.
___________________________________________________
Densely as hell,
The Fork
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December 10, 2021 at 02:00AM
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The Fork: Get a Load of This Fruit Cake - Santa Fe Reporter
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